What a glorious morning!  At nearly 8 am, I peeked through the blinds to catch a glimpse of morning sunshine, yesterday's raindrops glistening on the green grass in our backyard.  A plump robin was perched on the newly stained fence, a worm dangling from his beak.  A perfect spring scene!
Today is Sunday, and our whole family will be attending church together.  This is a rare treat and we delight in this special opportunity.  Afterwards is the Sunday School wind-up picnic, but I think we'll all just head home for some lunch.  Might be too long of a stretch for Walter to be out and about.
Dear Lord, thank You for the beauty of Your creation.  I am amazed at Your lovely handiwork.  Thank You for creating our family and the joy we have together.  My heart is so grateful that in Jesus Christ, we have everything we need for our life and for godliness.  Thank You for giving us hope no matter what we are experiencing.  I praise You, the One and Only Lord and King!
"So we do not lose heart.
Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day.
For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen.
For the things that are seen are transient,
but
the things that are unseen are eternal." ~ 2 Corinthians 4:16-18

Small victories.
Caylea was able to sit in the hot tub last night, keeping her upper arm out of the water, but still able to soak and relax.
Walter slept well until about 6 am this morning.  He is enjoying a shower, which will help him feel more human again.
I am thinking I'd like to pick up some bedding plants and set my flower pots out on the front step.  It is past the May long weekend so its safe, right?  No frost!
Will life become normal again?
I kinda hope so.  But for now we just focus on the day to day, the recovery and building up of strength.
And celebrate the small victories.

I must start today's blog with PRAISE!
Walter did very well after surgery.  I picked him up about 5:30 pm (surgery was at noon) and he was feeling pretty good.  A little nausea, some slight low blood pressure but mostly all was well.
He slept fairly well through the night, having taken some pain meds at bedtime.  His appetite was strong and he had a bowl of porridge and coffee for breakfast, which he made for himself at 5 am!  I, on the other hand, hadn't slept well in anticipation that Walter might need something.  So I finally fell back to sleep after 5 until 7:45!
The phone rang about then.
An apologetic receptionist from the Allan Blair Cancer Centre called for Caylea.  Could she come in for an 8:30 appointment this morning as a cancellation made a space available?  Of course!  So I quickly dressed and met Caylea at the front door.  Walter had hoped to come to this first cancer clinic appointment, but as it turned out, it was more registration and introduction to the process and the doctor.
I sat in the waiting room, my mind spinning with details and the realization that this is cancer!
Again, I was so thankful for our family being home, Walter doing well, and the Lord continuing to be with us as we journey.
The doctor did examine Caylea and explained the surgical test results.  He would order a PET scan, in Saskatoon where the only machine in Saskatchewan is located.  This should show more detail as to the cancer cell activity, moreso than a CT scan would reveal.  So he put a rush on that requisition and we hope in a couple weeks to complete that step.  Dr. Iqbal hesitated to stage the cancer yet; so we wait!
A blessing today was that a school friend from my elementary days is a social worker in the Allan Blair.  She had seen my posts on Facebook, and sent me a private message that she could connect with us whenever we came to the centre. I texted her and she met us at the Robin's at the Pasqua Hospital.  Although only a brief chat, it was nice to have someone reach out.
I took it easy after the appointment, feeling everything catching up with me.  We watched a movie, eating an early supper in front of the TV.  The kids all had plans for a Friday night so it was quiet around the house for once!  We even took a slow walk outside this evening-so much to PRAISE God for today.
That's the update.  Good night!

I held the papers in my hand, attempting to decipher words such as axilliary and excised and micromastasticized.  Thankfully Caylea's surgeon was kind enough to translate to us and answer our questions!
The follow up with Dr. Kurtz was basically telling us the results of the tissue and lymph nodes, which our family physician had told Caylea over the phone.  But the new "news" is that Dr. Kurtz will be meeting with oncologists and others to consult on the best course of action now...so next Wednesday afternoon, Caylea should receive a call.
In the meantime, one of the options mentioned that we didn't know was possible is that they could go in and remove all the lymph nodes under Caylea's arm that could potentially become cancerous.  Some side effects with that are less troublesome than chemotherapy or radiation, so I was happy about that.  Caylea looked distraught, having just been through surgery and not relishing the nausea and post-op recovery journey so soon!
So glad Mark and Amy are here visiting.  They took Caylea to a movie the other afternoon - "Angry Birds"!  Today, they have plans for the Science Centre or maybe the Tunnels in Moose Jaw.  This brings joy to our hearts as our kids hang out and enjoy each other.
***
I am also rejoicing because today, at noon, Walter will be going under anesthetic to have his gall bladder removed!  The next couple days may be rough, but I keep my eyes on the prize: a healthy hubby and less hyper-vigilance on fat-free menu!
As the texts and messages come on both our phones this morning, we are so grateful for God's wonderful grace!  We are surrounded by the support of family and friends, prayers and compassion.
***
I read in Acts this morning of how the Apostles were ministering in the Temple courtyard and people were flocking to hear the teaching and bring the sick to be healed.  I don't want to be a chaser of healing and miracles only - I want to know Jesus for who He is!  But I know that He loves us and can bring His healing on His children as we seek and ask.  What He wants to accomplish through all of our family's health and other trials, we submit to!  And as Gamaliel, a Pharisee, declared, "If this plan or this undertaking is of man, it will fail; but if is of God, you will not be able to overthrow them.  You might even be found opposing God!"  In other words, what God is purposing in His Kingdom, whether a big movement or small details, NOTHING can stand against His will!
Good to know.
I believe God is accomplishing something eternal in our family and in us as individuals as we trust Him through illness, future unknowns and challenges of various kinds.  James 1 is a go-to Scripture as we work through these circumstances.  "Count it all joy".
Will be checking in again after Walter's surgery...

Our 27th wedding anniversary!
Today, Walter and I celebrate our anniversary.  Both our children at home are gone to weddings today.  So we will have a day to ourselves and maybe enjoy a special dinner out.  I have a new dress for just such an occasion as this!
I want to give tribute to my wonderful husband, Walter Selke, for being so faithful to our marriage covenant.  His love and commitment to Jesus first and then to me has been the third strand in that cord Solomon talked about in Ecclesiastes.
We have been through a lot in our 27 years together.  We both plunged into marriage and full-time ministry, spending our engagement months raising support.  Then just six months into our new life, we became pregnant with our firstborn.  Spending 4 months in training for our ministry, we came back to Regina with me 8 1/2 months pregnant and our first mortgage to pay.  Crazy first year!
Since then, we had our second son and a daughter all by our 5th anniversary.  We moved into a larger home in north-central, continuing to serve in the inner city.  The next year, we started Healing Hearts Ministry.
Almost 22 years since the inception of the new ministry, God has done amazing things.  How we have survived people coming and going, through our home and through the doors of the community centre, the Garnet House and now through our HH Ministry Centre on Angus Street, is only by the grace of the Almighty!  We have been discouraged, exhausted, distressed, anxious, confused, and afraid.  BUT we have also been encouraged, strengthened, calmed, full of faith, truth and boldness...all because that third strand of the cord has been Jesus Christ.
Today, we celebrate our marriage.  We celebrate our family.  We celebrate His ministry.
And we pledge to continue to "Trust in the Lord" with all our hearts as we anticipate the future.
I love you, Walter.  Thank you for so many great years!
XOXO

Another phone call...perhaps not the news we hoped for but now we know the results of surgery.
Our family doctor called Caylea to say just one of the lymph nodes had signs of cancer.  So the paperwork was being done to refer Caylea to the Allan Blair Cancer Centre at the Pasqua Hospital.  From there, we will find out what the treatment options will be: radiation, chemotherapy or maybe the newly developed immunotherapy.
I feel like God prepared me for this news.  That morning, I was out in our backyard, sipping coffee and reading my Bible.  The next chapter in Jeremiah that I was reading was about the judgment God had for Egypt.  In the midst of the prophet's words of doom, there was hope for their future.
In the same way, God addressed the Jewish folks who would go through the years of captivity and the remnant He would preserve.  Twice, I read the short phrase:  "Fear Not".  Wonderful words of hope for me, too, as we were waiting for the information from Caylea's surgery.  The Lord was saying that I did not need to fear the news.
So while Caylea, her friend and myself were having a Bible study in James 1, talking about going through trials, the phone rang...and the promise of God echoed in my spirit:  "Fear Not".  It was special to have that Bible study time with Caylea and her friend, to be able to pray together about this news. Caylea's prayer was genuinely peaceful, and she gave thanks for her family's testimony in the midst of everything!  Choked me up!
Afterwards, when Caylea told her Dad, who was working in the backyard, I saw him hug his little girl real hard!  I let them have a moment.  When Caylea and her friend left for the mall, I went out to the yard to check in with my husband, and he voiced the disappointment I felt.  "It's not the news I was praying for - NO SIGN of cancer anywhere!  But it is better than it could have been!"
I, too, want to cling to the love and faithfulness of our God.  He knows Caylea and has her best in His heart.  He will direct the course of treatment and give us wisdom.
Since we have made the calls to family and then put the update on Facebook, we've had an outpouring of prayers, encouraging words and even some phone calls.  It all reminds us that we are not alone in this battle against cancer!
"For God has not given to us the spirit of fear,
but of power and of love and of a sound mind." ~ 2 Timothy 1:7

WALTER FINALLY GOT THE CALL!
The scheduler for surgeries called Monday morning that Walter could have his day surgery on May 26.  This has been an 8-month wait, with two emergency ordeals lasting 12-14 hours and only morphine and Gravol carried him through!  He has carefully followed a fat-free diet and lost almost 40 pounds since last September in order to avoid any gall stone attacks.  Although this has been a good motivator for weight loss, the trick will be to maintain healthy and low fat meals and snacks once the gall bladder is removed.
I've had my gall bladder out (in 2013) and I must watch some foods.  Eggs and pepperoni seem to have negative effects on my digestive system.  The doctor warned me (and now Walter) that without that particular organ, we may not be able to eat all the same foods as before;  But to have some discomforts will seem mild in comparison to the terrible episode of an attack!
I am rejoicing!
Caylea's surgery has happened and we will hopefully hear results this week.  She is recovering nicely and is not needing the same level of care as a couple weeks ago.  I think I am ready to be nurse to Walter.  Since I know mostly what to expect with his procedure, as I went through it myself, I feel somewhat prepared for his post-op care.
Tomorrow (May 18), Walter has some pre-op tests to do.  Because he is on warfarin (coumadin) to keep his blood thin, he must go on another medication called Heparin which can be regulated easier for operations.  We are home and did not have to change any major plans to make this surgery date work.  Hallelujah!
Actually, I will miss the NAIM ladies retreat to be held at Stoney Lake Bible Camp.  Disappointing but in the grand scheme, I am just thankful that this will finally happen.
Waiting has not been fun.  My patience and my faith has surely been tested with Walter's health concerns and also with Caylea's test results.  Lord, help me faithful in this time of waiting.  Help me give thanks in all circumstances.

In the past two days, we have been hosting a couple young men who are on a ministry tour through Millar College of the Bible.  Headed up by Peter and Charlene Constant (from The Pas, MB), the team is visiting various communities and ministry centres focused on First Nations.  They are finishing their tour in Regina at Healing Hearts Ministry.
I was reluctant to take the two guys in, with our spare beds already taken and my energy levels a bit low.  But, it has been a blessing to have them in our home and enjoy lively stories and some reflections of their experiences on tour so far.  They have eaten whatever I serve them and have been very polite and grateful for everything.  What a joy!
Today, we were able to tackle the fence once again as the sun was shining and the wind was more tolerable (it is southern Saskatchewan after all, so we always have wind!).  A second coat of the cedar tone stain really deepened the look of the horizontal boards, and the black trim on the 4 X 4's made the fence pop!  We need to finish a bit of trim and also do a couple coats on the backside of the fence.  It will be very satisfying to be able to look out or sit in the back yard and see our hard work complete.
Tomorrow, Walter is presenting some principles of our ministry to a Sunday School class at Parliament Community Church.  We plan to stay for their worship service.  Then, we'll head back to Healing Hearts to join the college team and our congregation for soup & bannock.  It should be a fun but very full Sunday.
By way of update on Caylea's recovery, she is now able to shower and we dress her surgical sites ourselves.  I saw her wound for the first time today and it is a lot larger and more raw looking than I expected.  Walter and I are both thankful for the healing that is taking place.  Our desire is to reflect hope and assurance that it will not always be so glaring and she will not be ugly because of the scars!  I also think it is a wonderful gift to Caylea that she is dating Kevin, the leader of the Upside Down Productions drama team she had traveled with this past winter!  He has been involved with the journey of the mole, the diagnosis of melanoma and now post-op.  If he can stick by her through this trial, then this will certainly be a test of this new relationship!  His positive reassurance and care for her will definitely quicken this healing process.
Daniel was home for some of the weekend, but he had a bachelor's party to attend last night; tonight, he was invited to his young "mentee", Nathan's place for supper and hanging out.
Mark & Amy were at a retreat house for a holiday this week.  They stopped in to say Hi to Caylea (and the rest of us!) and bye, as they headed back to Manitoba.  They will be leaving for the Maritimes the first part of June.
And that is our weekend in a nutshell.
"Strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord...
our God, You reign forever.
Our hope, our strong deliverer.
You are the everlasting God, the everlasting God,
You do not faint, You won't grow weary...."
(taken from Isaiah 40)

I am so glad every day is a new day and that God's mercies are new every morning!
The Lord seems to know what we need for our journey of faith.  He knows how much testing we can take, how much to stretch us and then how to comfort and fill us up again.
Today, I feel like God poured out so many blessings on me, just when the anxieties and pressures were building up and beginning to add stress to our home and marriage.
First, I went out for tea with a friend Tuesday night.
Then, I met my friend and mentor for coffee this morning.
Next, I had the afternoon to play my guitar, read, pray, bake, relax...
And now this evening, I feel as though God has met me in the past 24 hours in various ways that renewed my spirit.  Meditating on God as my shelter and  my refuge, praying through Psalm 91 for my husband, my children and myself gave me a new perspective.
I also felt an urge to call our friend, our daughter-in-law's mother, Pat, to see how they were doing.  It happened to be 12 weeks today since they lost their son, Matthew and it was good to share together.  I appreciated her honesty.  She didn't sugar-coat the grieving process they were on as a family.  And she reinforced to me the importance, the utterly essential need for faith and trust in the Lord through these difficult trials.  This phone conversation was also a gift from my Father.
As much as I know with my head that I need to take care of myself in order to be a healthy caregiver, I realized it again today.
No guilt to take care of "me" in the midst of Caylea's recovery.
Thank You, Lord, for the gifts I enjoyed today that show You care for me!

MOTHERS' DAY, 2016
To be honest, I am having a tough day.
The emotional ride these past weeks, and especially the last 3 or 4 days, has caught up with me!  I am tired, drained and distracted.  I was asked to help lead worship, to sing and play guitar and although I normally am excited to do that, I had a hard time engaging and focusing on worship.  The service went well and we had some special elements to celebrate Mothers' Day, but as Caylea stayed home and Daniel offered to stay with her, it wasn't quite the same for me.
We ladies are treated to a BBQ put on by the men, and today we were just going to grab some burgers and bring them home to share with the family.  People understood.  So I felt a bit torn to skip out on a church event; and yet knew I wouldn't feel all that connected and would want to be at home anyways!
What is the word I am feeling?  Ambivalent.  That's when you feel conflicting emotions at the same time.
I have so much to be thankful for and so I want to be grateful to God for the successful surgery and Caylea's recovery so far.  The waiting for news is an emotionally difficult challenge.  And yet I have such a wonderful family that I should be enjoying as they honour me today!  It was great to receive a big, comfy camping chair from Costco from the kids.  And to hear Mark & Amy's voices by phone this afternoon.  And to receive another lawn chair from Walter (that one has a side table and will go out to the cabin!).  I am blessed beyond my wildest dreams as a woman, as a mother.
I know many of the Psalms express ambivalence.  David often complained to the Lord.  He cried out!  He would be angry at his enemies.  He would be broken and despairing.  And yet by the end of the psalm, David would be praising, giving thanks, declaring victories!
That's where I am today.
I am so glad that the Lord empathizes with His children.  He understands our weaknesses,  He knows by personal experience the temptations and trials we face.  He knows the feelings of pain, shame, doubt and fear, yet He overcame them and promises us that same overcoming power.
I am so glad that my emotions do not run my life nor do they interfere with my faith in Jesus.  My righteousness is from Him and I cannot lose His love.  I am secure in Him.
For all of you out there who are having ambivalent emotions on this occasion, may it comfort you to know you are not alone and that you are loved by the Father.
Have a good day.

                                                                ~    The Fence    ~

Busy...
Walter and I both know in our minds that being busy to mask emotions or to avoid dealing with difficult situations is not a healthy strategy for life!  But since Caylea's diagnosis with melanoma, we couldn't just sit around, moping, ruminating and stewing over what might be...so Walter began to tear down our fence and build the new one.
This was on our "to do" list for this summer anyways; we had the lumber already in our backyard, cut to 8 foot lengths.  As of last night, Walter and Daniel attached the last 2 X 6's as daylight waned.  Yeah!
And then this morning, Daniel drove his sister to the Pasqua Hospital for her surgery.  It was something he could do for Caylea; he has been wonderful in hanging out with her, bugging her and generally doing the "big brother" things like throwing the football and going for ice cream.
But that meant Walter and I had nothing to do but wait for the call that Caylea was ready to come home.  Although we could have slept a while, both of us were awake around 4 or 4:30 am and I was up to see Caylea off at 6.  So what did we do while waiting?  Cleaned up the backyard construction zone, moved the firepit and burned some of the scraps.  In the unseasonably hot weather we have this week (+32 degrees C), we didn't stay outside too long to burn stuff.
At 11 o'clock, Walter called the Day Surgery to find out Caylea's status.  She was in recovery but asleep. We were told to call in another hour.
I decided not to work outside anymore, but to get cleaned up and have a bite to eat.  Walter puttered around a bit more and then he, too, came in. Walter called again and  Caylea was back in the Day Surgery ward and could be discharged in about an hour.
Caylea went in to surgery just around 8 am.  Yesterday, we went to Nuclear Medicine at the Pasqua Hospital, where they injected Caylea with a dye in order to highlight the lymph nodes.  We were sent home for a couple hours and returned to that unit again at 3 pm for a scan.  So then today, she apparently had some beeper/scanner thing passed over the neck and under her arm (right side where the mole was) to highlight the nodes before surgery.  Dr. Kurtz was to remove some sample lymph nodes to see if the cancer had spread there from the original mole site.
Dr. Chang is the cosmetic/plastic surgeon.  He was to remove more tissue from the mole area which would be about an inch all around that original site.  Then he would take skin from her upper thigh and do a graft on her arm.
When we arrived to pick Caylea up, she was just using the washroom with some help from the nurses.  I wasn't sure what we would see, considering the various procedures that had been performed this morning. Would she be bandaged from head to toe?  Amazingly, she was walking - yes, slowly- and looked pale as a ghost!  She was still hooked up to the IV and was favouring her right arm.  She said it was painful.  Her leg and other areas were fine.
She got dressed by herself.  The nurse had her sit down a while and eat a popsicle while Walter went to get the car and bring it out front.  I listened to the aftercare instructions, since Caylea was kind of "out of it", and gradually, Caylea's colour and alertness improved.  With the OK to go, I wheeled my girl down to the front door and Walter was there.
I am so thankful for this part of the journey to be over.  As much as I wanted to be at peace and not worry, it has been a challenge for both of us as parents to maintain faith and trust!  Caylea has seemed to breeze through, keeping her sense of humour and being pretty "chill" apart from some initial tears.  I guess, in her generation, cancer is not the "C" word that Walter & I grew up with, where most people who got cancer eventually died of it.  Caylea has two young friends who had childhood leukemia and survived.  We also know some women who had breast cancer, and some with melanoma who have been just fine after surgery and treatment.  So maybe the combination of life experience and God's grace, Caylea has been carried along.
As I blog, Caylea is sipping soup, nibbling crackers and visiting with her brother.  (BTW, Mark and Amy would be here in a heartbeat if not for a wedding they are involved in back in Gladstone, MB)  Walter has relinquished his recliner seat for Caylea, as it may be easier for her to sleep upright for a couple of nights.  So she is camped out in the basement, big screen TV and family doting on her.
Psalms 4 and 5 were comforting gifts to me in anticipation of this surgery.
"The Lord hears when I call to Him." (a mother's prayers being heard)
"In peace I will both lie down and sleep, for You alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety." (Caylea would be safe in His arms during surgery)
"In the morning I will order my prayer to You and eagerly watch."  (I was up since 6 and in prayer)
"For it is You who blesses the righteous...You surround them with favour as with a shield."  (Caylea would be surrounded and blessed by the Lord Himself)
Thank You All for your prayers!