We drove along the too-familiar route from Parkridge through to the Pasqua Hospital.  Following Dewdney Avenue from east to west across the city, the car almost knew the way without my navigation.  Caylea didn't say much as we pulled in the driveway and I dropped her off at the entrance.  We had the routine down:  I drop her off, she registers at the desk, I find a parking spot and meet her in the waiting room.
As I entered the automatic sliding doors of the hospital, I passed by the hand sanitizer stand, the Ladies Hospital Auxiliary table, the Information booth and then through an archway to the Allan Blair Cancer Centre.  Another set of sliding doors and I passed by the reception desk to the waiting room for doctor appointments.  To the right was the way to the chemotherapy ward.  The chairs in that waiting area were empty for a change.  Must have been between early morning patients and the later group of which Caylea had been a part.
Sipping from her ever-present water bottle, Caylea looked better today than the day before.  Her hair was pulled in a loose bun, she sat a little straighter and her eyes were brighter.  The day before, Tuesday, had been a rough one.  The Tylenol just didn't touch the constant headache; she forced herself to eat but wasn't all that hungry.  But today, the side effects of her Interferon shot were subsiding and she could function more normally.
"Caylea", a nurse holding a folder called out her name, and pronounced it right this time.  We rose simultaneously from our seats and followed the nurse to the empty examining room.  First, we stopped at the weigh scale.  Caylea's weight was consistent with her pre-treatment weight.  Then we sat in the room and the nurse pulled up a stool.
After asking the questions we had compiled a list of, the nurse gave a few answers and then told us to wait for the doctor.  A few minutes later, a round man of eastern European ancestry, came in the room.  His first sentence was barely understandable and I responded with what I hoped was the right answer.  He was filling in for Dr. Iqbal, Caylea's oncologist.  He asked Caylea how she was.  She answered in mostly an affirmative way.  Then he said," So you want to quit the treatment?|
Caylea and I looked at each other with slight shock, then Caylea replied, "Well, yeah, but I don't think I should!"    The rest of the appointment went sort of like that.  We asked questions, but he gave vague or inconclusive answers.  It was clear he wasn't as knowledgeable on the Interferon treatments and her bloodwork hadn't arrived from the lab so he had very little but the file to go on...
It was decided that Caylea would see Dr. Iqbal in a month's time and find out more concrete information, especially on the subject of travel during her time on the treatments.
We left the office, both feeling this had been somewhat of a waste of time.  But she stopped by the pharmacy to ask about suggestions for something to help her fall and stay asleep.  We left there feeling she had some practical advice and could find things we needed with a trip to Walmart.
On the way back towards home, it was good to hear Caylea express how she was feeling.  Realizing this Interferon treatment is hard.  It is a whole year!  She had compared to others in the chemo ward and thought they must have it harder than she does.  And she felt weird, getting in the car and smelling the familiar car freshener - one of her Scentsy products - and the sensations and memories returned of getting in the car after her IV treatments back in the fall, blanket pulled up and feeling chills and headache, longing to go home...
I wanted to tell her it was going to get easier, that six months would go by fast, that she would have a life after this journey was over.  All I could do was agree, yes, this IS a long and hard journey!  You are doing well and you have been strong and amazing!  That many older melanoma patients on Interferon do not make it the entire one year...but you are young and healthy and we will support you for as long as it takes.
I am glad to be with her as she opens up and shows her heart.  The tough exterior and quiet ways are sometimes how she copes.  As we gather our new supply of items to cope with side effects, and then she walks in the house and immediately finds a recliner and blanket to curl up in, I see the exhaustion.  Even on a good day, its still sucking the energy and life out of our girl!

Romans 12:12 is a verse that spoke to me today as I pondered the appointment of yesterday.
 "Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer." 
That's all I can do.  It's the most I can do.

Praying for wisdom is not a new thing for me.
Memorizing the book of James when I was in youth group imprinted on my mind the necessary to ask God for wisdom.  James 1:5 "If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all..."
Reading through Proverbs is not new to me at all, either.
I have read the book of wisdom several times in my Christian life and continue to learn from it every time.  Studying it in Bible College reinforced that becoming wise begins with "The fear of the Lord", not just a book learning of wise says.
Some new gems I have learned reading through Proverbs recently have stirred me up!
I see how urgent Solomon was in sharing these words with his son.  Chapter 1 verse 8 says, "Hear my son...and forsake not... My son, if sinners entice you, do not consent."  The advice he gives is vital to his son's success in life as an adult.  It is apparent that Solomon wants to spare his son from the consequences of a foolish life.
Wisdom is learned by turning away from sin.  Proverbs 1:23 states, "If you turn at my reproof, behold, I will pour out my spirit to you; I will make my words known to you."  The Lord will give understanding of His Word by His Spirit as we respond in repentance to correction or reproof.  It is simple;  it is not necessarily the easy path to wisdom!  It involves engagement of the whole person.
In Chapter 2, I gained a new realization that seeking wisdom is not only to gain knowledge for its own sake, but to "find the knowledge of God."  It is to KNOW Him, the giver of this wonderful wisdom.  And in knowing God, we are protected.  Verse 7b reveals that "He is a shield to those who walk in integrity."  Living a life following God's wisdom will guard us and will deliver us from the way of evil (verse 12).
Thinking of this advice in the light of eastern culture, a strong honour and shame worldview, I see how one's reputation and place in society matters deeply.  To be known as evil, perverse, unjust and unrighteous was not acceptable.  And especially in the Jewish culture and heritage, to "walk in the way of the good and keep to the paths of the righteous" was a high honour.  (verse 20)
This morning, I read the first 12 verses of Chapter 3 and immediately noticed the word "heart" 3 times!  "My son, do not forget my teaching, but let your heart keep my commandments..."  Having wisdom is a heart thing, not a behaviour thing.  Having God's wisdom means having a character of integrity, right down to heart level.  "...write them on the tablet of your heart."  And finally, do not attempt to live your life on your own terms, with your own efforts.  "Trust in the Lord with all your heart..." fully lean on His understanding, His truth.
I got excited when I read those verses before church.  This is the essence of Healing Hearts Ministry: to see the very heart of every person be set free and filled with God's presence.  Having trust restored and keeping God's commandments with a healthy, healed heart is such a joy!
I can't wait to see what more the book of Proverbs will show me in the weeks to come...

Last night, a dozen of us gathered in the youth room for a meeting.  Now, we at Healing Hearts are not big on meetings, or long, drawn out sessions for the sake of procedure.  This was a very purposeful get together.  And I came away so very proud of our team and thankful for God's amazing works in us!
As Walter and I have taken on the additional role of directing NCEM, we had full intentions of spending about 75% of our time with our new responsibilities and about 25% with administrative duties and member care in Healing Hearts.  It has become apparent, the time split is more like 90% and 10%!
Debbie Matthews, one of our missionaries in Nipawin, was very interested in how we could maintain our level of member care to our HHM staff as it would be impossible for Walter and myself to continue at the pace we had been trying keep.  She had great ideas and a compassionate burden for this area so Walter said, "Go for it!  Come up with a member care strategy that you think could work!"
So Debbie and her husband, Ken, developed a plan.  The chairman of HHM, Cliff Reynolds and his wife Cheryl, also took on the role of directing this aspect of the ministry.  So last night, those of us who have been asked to take on a group of no more than 4 couples to visit and care for,  met to pray and learn what we are aiming for in terms of healthy member care.
Cliff led us through scriptures that laid out a solid foundation.  Matthew 9:9-13 is the passage where Jesus calls Matthew from tax collecting to  Christ following.  As He shared a meal in Matthew's home, the Pharisees made note and questioned the disciples, "Why does your teacher eat with tax collectors and sinners?"  Jesus interjected with the response, "Those who are well have no need of a physician, but those who are sick.  Go and learn what this means, "I desire mercy and not sacrifice..."  The Lord is all about mercy and not rules and regulations.  He cares.
The account of Matthew's Gospel later records in chapter 9 that Jesus was traveling through the various communities.  As He came upon crowds of people, He saw the needs.  He saw the lostness and helplessness of the sheep and "He had compassion for them." (v. 36)  Jesus has compassion on all humanity.  His heart is for shepherding the sheep.
Cliff gave us such a clear basis for our member care ministries to one another.  We are to care and show compassion.  We are to listen and encourage, to uphold and affirm.  Most missionaries are not needing to be told what to do or what they are doing wrong.  Sometimes we need a little direction or problem-solving.  But most of the time, we need to be listened to, empathized with and supported.  And so many of us need to be reminded to take our days off and to get away for some regular R & R. Along with some interactions, suggestions and a few comments, our team was then equipped with a list of pointed and spiritually intentional questions.  We want to engage our missionaries at a deeper level, not just a quick "How are you?"  And then we brainstormed a little on resources for those who may need to address burn out or other issues that may come up in our conversations.  
I was so encouraged to see our team stepping up in the gap Walter and I have left, to fill in a need.  To see the value of good member care being improved and grown to more than what we could ever provide just blessed my heart!
We closed by breaking into small groups for prayer for one another and the launching of this new strategy.  Some were already meeting with their missionary couples and I was impressed with the intentionality of our team.  "Git 'er done!"  Don't wait for someone else...let's serve one another.
Cliff also reminded us that each of our care team will approach things differently and not to compare or worry about those differences.  Romans 12:6a "Having gifts that differ according to the grace give to us, let us use them..."  And I think we each left the meeting feeling empowered to do this, with the Lord's help, and with confidence that He will give us all we need.
PRAISE THE LORD!

Today, I was thinking about the day/week ahead and Philippians 4:13 came to mind.  I looked it up and scrolled through the various biblical translations and versions available.  The Amplified Version caught my attention and here are some thoughts that I had on this verse.

"I can do all things [which He has called me to do] through Him who strengthens and empowers me [to fulfill His purpose - I am self-sufficient in Christ's sufficiency; I am ready for anything and equal to anything through Him who infuses me with inner strength and confident peace.]" 

I liked the part in brackets which described the "all things" as what God has called me to do.  God has ordained works for me.  He has a path chosen for me.  He gives the strength and power for me to  endure whatever His will is for me.  Not my own foolishness or sinfulness.  Although He does show us mercy and draws us back to Himself and His will if we get off track.  It is a good reminder to keep in tune with what He wants for me and be submitted to His will at all times.
Another point a friend on Facebook reminded me of is that His strength is for me to be content.  The greater context of Philippians chapter 4 is that Paul had been in many kinds of circumstances, some of which his needs were abundantly met and others where he was in want.  He was often hungry, exhausted, exposed to the elements or in unpleasant and abusive conditions!  But He could do anything that God called Him to as Jesus gave him strength and power to be content.
The last phrase in brackets caused me to go back and reread the words to really soak in their meaning.  "...who infuses me with inner strength and confident peace."  I imagined a misty presence filling me softly and gently with ability deep inside, not just a surface performance.  And the confident peace that God was in control and everything was going to be okay.  I can honestly say I have felt this in the weeks when I drove Caylea to the cancer clinic and sat with her during her IV treatments of Interferon.  I wasn't grossed out, or afraid, or dreading the daily trips.  Although I had moments of fear or dread, I did experience that peace and determination which I know was of the Lord, not me.
Thank You, Lord, that Your Word is true.  Not just because I have experienced it but because Paul, and so many others in all of human history have known this Scripture to be true, as well.
I take this promise also for the days and weeks ahead...with Caylea's continued journey, with our new ministry role with NCEM, and with all our family will go through as life unfolds.

The dishwasher is going through its cycles while the dryer hums in the background.  Our tummies are full of leftovers from the Easter meals we had this weekend.  I swept the floors and tidied up around the now quiet house.  The festivities are over but we have sweet memories of family time.
I feel a little sad as Mark and Amy stopped by before leaving for Gladstone, their car packed with their belongings and a new concrete job awaiting.
Daniel will leave later this afternoon for Saskatoon, two more weeks of his third year sheet metal apprenticeship courses left.
Caylea has a Bible school friend here for another couple of days, so the fun continues...
Walter and I saw our daughter on Thursday evening, her fatigue and her words telling us we need to make a change.  So I will stay home for this next week, maybe two, to take care of our girl.  She is half way through her Interferon treatments and her headaches are less severe.  Some other side effects have increased or appeared newly on the scene, such as fatigue and energy loss, some concentration issues and anxiety.  We were concerned and prayed for wisdom to do what is besst.
Setting any guilt aside, we are making some adjustments so that I can cook and care for Caylea, even just to keep her company and be here to keep home stable.  Emotional support is just as important as all the physical, medical and practical care on the healing journey.
As Walter waits for a text from the tire shop, having replaced some tires on the car for the season, I am packing his bag and some groceries for his short week in Prince Albert and Big River.  NCEM has their annual audit and Walter needs to be part of the process.  Our new treasurer will be trained by the previous financial officer this week, as well.  Also Walter is teaching a section of the missionary training module at Big River Bible Camp, instructing new candidates for First Nations ministry.  Walter's session will be on dependency issues and how to minister within the tension of poverty, addictions and codependency but bringing healthy relational skills to the communities with Christ's compassion.  He'll try to cover all that in 2-3 hours!
I will be home, keeping the family together and praying, praying, praying!
I look forward to some alone time and hopefully some Curves time, while seeing what Caylea will feel up to doing this week.
The dryer stopped-gotta finish the laundry and packing...
Happy Easter, everyone!  Have a blessed week.

I am sitting in our suite in Prince Albert on the NCEM headquarters.  The blue sky is dotted with fluffy white clouds.  Several pines are standing green and tall around the property.  The snow has melted - even this far north - and the grass is trying to poke through the winter cover of leaves.  Spring is arriving and with it HOPE!
As we have been transitioning into our role as General Director of NCEM, we feel God's HOPE rising in us.  We have traveled to Albert in the past two weeks and been well received by the missionary folks on the field.  They are all about their work, about the people they reach.  And God is at work in their communities, even though the news would say the crime and violence and issues continue to be dark and gloomy.
Our morning started off by Walter and I leading the chapel time.  I played a couple songs that had the Easter story and message of Christ's hope- "In Christ Alone" and "Cornerstone".  Walter shared the Scripture he read last night in Exodus of the Burning Bush and Moses.  He challenged us to listen to God, no matter if we have been "called" years ago to ministry and mission work or is renewing and redirecting us.  Look at us standing here in NCEM; God has clearly called out and we needed to pay attention and respond.
Today, Walter and I took our sandwiches to eat with some of the various headquarters, print shop and Tribal Trails staff.  I ended up spending a two-hour lunch as people came and went at staggered times.  It was an incredible chance to build the relationships, update on family news and just enjoy the warmth and the sunshine.  It's the little things, the random opportunities, that count.  God is in the little things.
Easily, we could be overwhelmed by the task of giving direction and vision to a mission organization that has struggled.  We could be frustrated by the misunderstandings, the unfamiliar ways and our own impatience with the slowness of process...or we could keep praying and seeing HOPE in our Lord's patience and wisdom.
So, as I gaze out the window and praise the Lord for such a beautiful day, I am also grateful for His ways in our lives.  He found us faithful to entrust to us a new challenge and to have gone before us on these first few trips to visit folks and we feel His hand of blessing at the warm receptions we have had.  We want to continue to share His hope and vision as He fills us up with His Spirit, that will never run dry!
Jesus Christ is a Risen Saviour - He is alive and at work.  I am so glad I serve Him!

In all our busy-ness and occupation with our new role, I feel each day, each week is whizzing by.  I don't have time to ponder what I am going to do - I am mostly preparing for a trip or doing what just comes next in our schedule.
And although we had been in our own church for the beginning of "Lent", I feel disconnected and disjointed from what I thought would be a focus for me this year.  I have not really observed the lenten season with readings or weekly meditations such as we have for Advent.  So I made the effort to subscribe to an e-mail lenten daily devotional and thought I would take part in that...
But my ability to concentrate for any extended  quiet time has been hampered with out travels.  The readings were too long, the points too elaborate.  But in the daily devotional book I read at night, the focus had been on the events leading up to Jesus' crucifixion.  The Scriptures have been short and sweet.  The meditations just three or four paragraphs long.  The prayer suggestion and additional Scriptures simple and straightforward.
So the one written for April  11 - I know, I was jumping ahead - was about "The Unjust Conspiracy".  Matthew 26:59 says "The chief priests and the whole Council kept trying to obtain false testimony against Jesus, in order that they might put Him to death."  The extreme lawkeepers could not even find a law that Jesus had transgressed, so they themselves broke their beloved law to find a way to kill this radical religious competitor!
This struck me in a forceful way.  My Saviour endured false accusations, submitted to evil authorities and accepted the lies.  His purpose could not be wavered as He set His heart for the Cross.  Jesus Christ was completely innocent and only contrived and manipulated charges could be presented in the plot to kill Him. No one could find grounds to accuse Him because He did live a sinless, perfectly righteous life.
The reality of this makes me angry and sad.  Just as I get all emotionally charged up, I am stopped in my tracks.  "Forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing!"  Hanging. nailed to the wooden cross, Jesus not only submits to the torture and refuses to defend Himself, but He has the grace to ask the Father to forgive them!
My own failures become enlarged as I think of all the arguments and defensive tactics I would employ in the face of much lesser accusations and abuses.  I am stunned by Jesus' mercy; I am ashamed by my own weak self-protectiveness.
Lent is being made aware that Jesus did what I cannot do-He is the Lamb without blemish.

I was sitting in the back seat of a four door, somewhat dusty car, viewing the "Rez" with our personal tour guide, Tom.  The spring sunshine was warm and bright.  A curious gopher stood straight up along the gravel road, then disappeared into its hole.
Tom was pointing out homes and telling us stories of his friends on the Louis Bull Reserve.  The Mascewasis Band is made up of four reserves.  We had just toured by car, the roughest of the four, Samson Reserve, with many houses boarded up, gang tags on signs and buildings.  Tom explained how last week, two murders and two stabbings had happened.  And this happens way too often.  It doesn't even make the news.
But as we drove towards the church building on Louis Bull, we left the "Urban Rez" behind us and saw trees, fields and only one older lady walking along the grid.  As Tom rounded a corner, a brick and stucco building came into our sights.  The steeple was actually praying hands.  Stained glass adorned the upper wall above the main double doors.  We stepped out of the car, just as a Native elder opened a side entrance and came down the wheelchair ramp to meet us.
Kurtis extended his hand to Tom as they greeted one another.  Then Tom introduced Walter and myself, to the 60-ish man, who was smiling broadly and greeting us enthusiastically.  It was a big deal to Tom and to Kurtis that Tom's "boss" was here to visit.
We followed Kurtis up the ramp and entered the church. He began to tell us the story of how this church had been built by the Louis Bull Reserve and used for many years.  Then it was left empty for a few years.  I think he and his wife were looking for a church to attend, having moved back to the reserve after some years away.  They began praying.  The Lord spoke to them in dreams and they both felt He would provide.
As Kurtis relays it, he was on his way home and he saw an eagle soaring towards the reserve and he felt God was bringing blessing there.  When he got home, he told his wife about the eagle and his wife smiled.  She told him the news that they were given permission to use the empty church!
Tom and his wife, Donna are missionaries who pastor another fellowship on the main road into the Samson and Ermineskin Reserves. (The fourth reserve was Montana). They meet on Sunday mornings, and the Louis Bull church meets Sunday afternoons.  They are beginning to do things together as church bodies, with Tom and Donna attending both services sometimes, just to show support.
Our hearts were full as we said good bye and Kurtis said he hoped we would come back again soon.
As I sat in the back seat for the return trip, I felt the wonder of God doing His work in these communities.  His Kingdom was being established in these First Nations.
On a fence post running parallel to the grid road we traveled on, I noticed a plump red-breasted robin.  It was the first robin I had seen this spring.  Just as Kurtis shared how he saw an eagle and he felt God's hand of blessing through that - he assured us he only worshiped God, not the created things- I, too, felt the blessing of the Lord when I saw the robin.  It gave me hope, hope that God is alive and well.