Grandma ...

You will be missed.  Your smile, your clever sayings, your delicious cooking and baking, your hugs.

So hard to write your eulogy - although a huge honour- when you lived 96 full years!  How can we summarize what you did, who you are and what you mean to us, your family?

The emotions are raw but I am embracing this as part of my grief journey.

Love you Grandma!  You have meant a lot to me...just always there throughout my life, at all the major events and loved my family as they have grown up.

 My earliest memories of this special lady are at the farm, being the annoying little granddaughter/niece while my Mom and her sisters played Scrabble or helped Grandma make a meal. The farmhouse had fun little rooms, closets and toys.  And Grandma's food was always so tasty and her desserts were the best!

Grandma usually wore a cotton housedress and slippers or barefeet. She was always busy.  Being a farmwife was a full time job and raising 7 children was a lot of work.  But Grandma always had time to answer questions, give a snack and a hug or let me and my sister pound amateur songs on the piano.

This past weekend my 96-year-old Grandma had a fall.  She was taken by ambulance to the Weyburn hospital and then up to Regina.  She broke her pelvis and it seemed like it was not going to turn out very well.  So the hospital staff recommended calling family to come - even with the COVID visitor regulations they were thinking Grandma was in her last hours.  

My favourite moments as an adult are that my Grandma has been part of my grown up life, too.  I asked her to give the "Toast to the Bride" speech  at our wedding reception.  She had taken me to choose a special outfit for my bridal showers and was a real support.  

And then when I had my first son - her first grandbaby - we would bring Mark out to my grandparents' farm to visit.  I would be getting stressed out by his fussiness and Grandma would just cluck her tongue, take Mark on her lap and gently hum and rub his bare feet until he settled.  Special memories.

Standing at Grandma's hospital bed with Walter, I looked at her frail arms, the tubes and IV's making her look helpless and small. Not knowing if I'd see her again, I held her hand as Walter asked if he could pray for her.  She nodded and said, "That would be good."  It was a difficult moment, feeling like this was good-bye.

I always thought of Grandma as strong and resilient.  Creative and gentle.  Her hands represented love, hard work and skill.  She loves crosswords puzzles and Scrabble, too.  And the Blue Jays baseball team!  Even though she can not see very well, she'll listen to the baseball announcer and follow the game.  Or Mom will give her the clue and how many letters and can still help solve word puzzles!  How could this be her final breaths?

But surprisingly Grandma made it through Saturday night, and steadily improved to be taken off  palliative status.  By Monday, the family was now wondering what would happen as now the visiting protocol was down to 2 visitors only.  

By Wednesday afternoon, Grandma was transferred back to Weyburn hospital to recover from the fractured pelvis. The other concerns had been corrected and no tests or surgery was required.  Wow!  What a roller coaster for all of us!

Grandma is still as strong and resilient as ever.  The most positive attitude and easy patient to care for, as well.  

Thank you, Lord, for sparing Grandma!

 Recently we participated in a "Debrief" session for people going through transitions in their lives.  There is no doubt in the past five or six years, we personally and as a family have gone through so much:  cancer, ministry changes, family members passing away and major schedule and lifestyle adjustments!

Each of these events or changes respresents a transition.  Within any transition, there are gains and losses.  We have to lose or leave behind things or sometimes people/relationships.  A transition means we have to give up some activities or readjust our daily routines.  We must grieve these losses.

Each of these events or changes also means we gain or add to our lives.  We gain new experiences, new friends, new skills and these can all be benefits.  A gain could be a celebration, something better, something improved.  

To prepare for our "Debrief" time with a trained counsellor, I made some notes on gains and losses in the past few years.  It was a soul-searching time.  It was a healthy exercise.  I saw some patterns that gave clues to who I am and what I value.

Family.  The greatest pains  involved my daughter and her journey with cancer.  In the midst, we were asked to lead NCEM and that meant having to leave Caylea in the Lord's hands while we obeyed God's next steps in our ministry.  The value of our family pitching in during this time as Caylea had treatments, wanted to have a weekly family curling team and as we all rallied to celebrate her "end of treatment" party showed up in my gains and losses exercise.  It was meaningful for me to look at that time in my life - our lives - and process it a bit more.

Team.  In shifting focus to NCEM, I left behind the team dynamics I had been part of for 20+ years.  Many of our team moved on to other things and our roles within that Healing Hearts team changed drastically.  I had looked to team for ministry partnership, friendship, fellowship and social connections in a very deep way.  Within NCEM, I gained a new team and have made wonderful friends!  So the gains are a blessing, but they do not replace or cover over the original team losses I have experienced.

Relationships.  Both the greatest disappointments and highest joys are wrapped up in relationships.  The most fun and rewarding events have been family parties and celebrations.  The deepest pains have also been the losses of partnerships and close friendships.  So all bound up in my relationships with others.

Through it all, I have found Jesus to be there for me.  

In journaling, I have poured out these hurts, losses, and fears and Jesus has received each word and bottled up each tear.  What a faithful Saviour!  How rich to find Jesus there whether I am in deep despair or in rejoicing!  He receives it all from me and comforts me with His love.  He has promised to never leave me, betray me or reject me.  I can't even fathom His grace in constantly loving and affirming me when I am angry, hurt, unforgiving and plain worn out!

As one of the tools in the debriefing process, there was a chart/illustration of the dynamics and timeline of transitions.  Dealing with the grief has stages but they cycle around and don't happen in a straight line or particular order.  I found myself identifying with the middle of the timeline.  And it was a mess.  It was made up of pain, but I was beginning to accept the changes and new things.  It was also unraveling the losses and recognizing the gains.  It was a time of grief and crying and expressing emotion.  But the upswing was headed towards acceptance and hope.  

Even in identifying and naming what I was feeling helped me move towards hope.  I was feeling stuck in the losses and unable to embrace fully the new chapter of our ministry and our life.  I knew I couldn't go back to the way things were yet I was reluctant to look forward to our new focus.  I felt inadequate and unsure.  I felt off-kilter, wondering if God had yet more changes ahead for me!  

Ultimately, I knew I had to trust God.  I had obeyed Him in accepting my new roles in NCEM and releasing my previous roles in HHM.  I had obeyed outwardly but the inward trust was still a work in progress.  I am so grateful for God's grace in preparing me and transforming me in this season of transition.

The debriefer pointed out to me that in all this change and transition, I am struggling with the issue of "who am I?"  And that makes sense to me.  I once identified myself as part of Healing Hearts Ministry, being one of the founding members and pastor's wife.  Not only have we changed organizations and shifted our roles, but now I am learning new things with new expectations.  I am now the wife of NCEM's General Director and also involved as Personnel Coordinator.  Those are very different roles with precedents set for me, for us.  With HHM, we were forging new horizons and developing as we went.  With NCEM, there is history and clear roles and tasks.  New organizational culture to adopt and add our own flavour to!

All this to say:  I am still processing the "Debrief" sessions.  Changes are still ongoing in our circumstances and I see God in it.  That's enough for me to know.  I can trust Him to carry me through.

 HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Wait.  Is it January 26 already?

Yes, the time is flying and we are a month into the new year with a blink of an eye.  Walter and I have already been to Prince Albert, Nipawin, Waskesieu, Christopher Lake and Pambrun this month.  We are very blessed to have opportunities to share about our ministry, to preach, lead worship and carry on with our leadership role at NCEM.

But then we came to a halt - Walter and I are now sick at home and taking the advice of our elders: REST!

I made a big pot of chicken soup and we are eating it.  Such comfort food.  Drinking lots of water and tea.  Popping our vitamins.  I'm glad I feel well enough to do some tasks around the house but then I don't feel guilty having a nap or putting my feet up and playing some Facebook games.  

God does have a way of slowing us down when the schedule has us running.  So thankful for a team who can fill in for us and be gracious while we heal.  

So everyone out there, TAKE CARE of yourself and of each other.  

"Strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord, wait upon the Lord, wait upon the Lord."  

 Weariness.

Have we all felt that heavy, leaden weight of weariness?  That deep exhaustion that depletes all life and energy?  Not just a physical tiredness that results from a good day's work, but a weariness of soul that sucks hope from within.

Weariness can be so overwhelming that we can wish to crawl into our safe beds and never come out again to face our world.

Surviving the second year of a pandemic, we can lose the sense of hope for a normal world.  We can become so discouraged that we just shrug our shoulders and say "What's the point?  Why even try?"  

This morning I was spending my quiet time with the Lord, feeling tired physically because we have been up late and having lots of family fun for the holidays!  The verse of the day was Psalm 23:3a "He restores my soul."  I had to slow myself down, settle my thoughts and will my body to stop.  I could then meditate on the words of Scripture.  I realized I have been going hard for the past while.  Not just preparing for Christmas, or traveling for our ministry but "going hard" dealing with change, new roles, spiritual battles and personal pain!  Add to that the restrictions imposed by vaccine/no vaccine and navigating the realities of our cross-Canada ministry, I was feeling overwhelmed.  And weary.

What if nothing goes back to normal?  What if many around me continue to live in fear of the COVID-19 virus and all its variants?  What if I succumb to the fears around me and just want to hide?  The devil would love for me to give in to fear and make decisions based on others' opinions.  But both Walter and I have determined to base any and all decisions we make personally and for our ministry based on the truth, on God's Word.  We will seek the Lord to guide us clearly and not move forward on any decision unless we sense His leading and the peace that accompanies God's wisdom.  

We will carry on in 2022.

The news may burden us with statistics and the interviews may influence us with their narrative.  But God's Word will never fail us.  His truth will override any mere human perspective on a pandemic, on politics or anything else affecting life on earth.  When God promises that He is in control, I believe Him!  I have hope because God knows the future and He can override rulers, powers and human decisions by His authority.  I have nothing to fear except my own foolishness and weakness.  And even in that He give me grace: He forgives my foolishness and provides strength for my weakness.  

If you are feeling weary, look to the God of Heaven.  He has sent His Son to be our Rescuer.  He has sent the Holy Spirit to guide us and reside right within our weary soul!  May you experience His rest, His presence, His peace and His awesome power to overcome the weight of worry and fear.  

"He restores my soul."  Psalm 23:3a

"Come to me, all who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest."  Matthew 11: 28

 The last couple of mornings at home have been pure delight.  

Cup of coffee, natural gas "wood" stove on, Christmas tree lights creating ambience as I listen to a devotional.  Luke chapter 1.  The pre-Christmas events leading up to the birth of the baby Jesus.

I have read and re-read this account.   Pastor Bill has ministered with daily devotionals and gives leadership to at least two or maybe three Churches in the Yorkton area.  Some of the insights he shared have really blessed me as I focus on preparing my heart for  Christmas.

Gabriel appeared to Zechariah.  Who would have guessed that while Zechariah was going about his normal duties at the temple, he was chosen by lot to offer the incense.  The burning of incense was part of the worship, symbolizing the prayers of God's people rising up to Him.  I never noticed before that when the angel spoke to Zechariah, he said, "Do not be afraid, Zechariah, for your prayer has been heard..." (Luke 1:13).  So what was Zechariah praying?

We assume he was praying for a son.  And yet, the announcement of Elizabeth becoming pregnant and having a son did not produce the joy or assurance we would expect.  

Was he praying the rote prayers of the Jewish faith?  Maybe he was reciting the psalms and the ritual words repeated by every priest.  But the angel specifically acknowledged that Zechariah's prayer had been heard...what prayer?

I am not that knowledgeable about the Jewish religious practices, but I know that the one prayer that was always offered, the one longing of every believing Hebrew, is for the Messiah.  The One promised to deliver Israel.

In promising a child to Zechariah and Elizabeth, this was part of the fulfillment of the coming of the Messiah.  Their son was a miracle.  And he wasn't going to be named for his father or any other family name.  The angel declared he would be named "John."  He would turn many in Israel toward the coming Messiah and prepare the way.  

An answer to prayer!  John would be born and then the Messiah would come!

Pastor Bill also shared the appearance of Gabriel to Mary, the mother of Jesus.  He noted how Zechariah was doubtful of the angel's pronouncement that he and Elizabeth would bear a son in their old age.  He bore a consequence for doubting: silence for the duration of the pregnancy!  To contrast, Mary responded with a question about "how" she could become pregnant when she was still a virgin.  She did not doubt God, but wondered at the logistics.  She wanted to be part of  the Lord's plan for the redemption of Israel.  She surrendered.  She trusted.

The Christmas story will never grow old to me!  I hope you also, find great joy in the mystery of the Incarnate Christ, the Son of God and son of man.

 Well, I haven't finished writing and sending my Christmas cards..

I haven't bought a single Christmas present.

Apart from our tree being up and decorations in place, I just haven't done much in the spirit of the holiday season.  But as I am at this moment in Prince Albert finishing up the last Executive meeting of 2021 and other responsibilities for NCEM, I need to stay focused on the tasks at hand.

Tomorrow, we will celebrate at a "South American Fiesta" Christmas party with our NCEM headquarters staff.  We have gone to one other holiday event, yet somehow I still feel outside the typical build up to Christmas.

I think one reason for the unusual feelings is that our son, Daniel is getting married on January 1!  We are thinking of his big day, our part in preparing smoked pork ribs and invest in the wedding festivities.  So we have pared down our usual Christmas day gifts and abundance of baking and special dishes.  Our focus is on this once in a lifetime celebration for Daniel and Michaela.  

I think once I am home and can set aside formal ministry, then I will be able to concentrate and get in the spirit of Jesus' birth.  I am participating in our church Christmas Eve service and leading worship on Sunday (Boxing Day). That'll be so wonderful!  and with keeping our Christmas celebrations simpler this year, I will have more time and emotional resources to just enjoy.

My longing is for quiet moments to think on Christ.  To read Scripture, to enjoy Christmas carols and to focus on prayer for family and friends is my heart's desire.  So having less to do these next two weeks will leave me more energy for the wedding!  

I'm pretty sure Jesus is okay with my revised priorities this year.  He is pleased when we are at peace and find our rest and joy in Him.  Lord, help me lean on You!