Recently we participated in a "Debrief" session for people going through transitions in their lives.  There is no doubt in the past five or six years, we personally and as a family have gone through so much:  cancer, ministry changes, family members passing away and major schedule and lifestyle adjustments!

Each of these events or changes respresents a transition.  Within any transition, there are gains and losses.  We have to lose or leave behind things or sometimes people/relationships.  A transition means we have to give up some activities or readjust our daily routines.  We must grieve these losses.

Each of these events or changes also means we gain or add to our lives.  We gain new experiences, new friends, new skills and these can all be benefits.  A gain could be a celebration, something better, something improved.  

To prepare for our "Debrief" time with a trained counsellor, I made some notes on gains and losses in the past few years.  It was a soul-searching time.  It was a healthy exercise.  I saw some patterns that gave clues to who I am and what I value.

Family.  The greatest pains  involved my daughter and her journey with cancer.  In the midst, we were asked to lead NCEM and that meant having to leave Caylea in the Lord's hands while we obeyed God's next steps in our ministry.  The value of our family pitching in during this time as Caylea had treatments, wanted to have a weekly family curling team and as we all rallied to celebrate her "end of treatment" party showed up in my gains and losses exercise.  It was meaningful for me to look at that time in my life - our lives - and process it a bit more.

Team.  In shifting focus to NCEM, I left behind the team dynamics I had been part of for 20+ years.  Many of our team moved on to other things and our roles within that Healing Hearts team changed drastically.  I had looked to team for ministry partnership, friendship, fellowship and social connections in a very deep way.  Within NCEM, I gained a new team and have made wonderful friends!  So the gains are a blessing, but they do not replace or cover over the original team losses I have experienced.

Relationships.  Both the greatest disappointments and highest joys are wrapped up in relationships.  The most fun and rewarding events have been family parties and celebrations.  The deepest pains have also been the losses of partnerships and close friendships.  So all bound up in my relationships with others.

Through it all, I have found Jesus to be there for me.  

In journaling, I have poured out these hurts, losses, and fears and Jesus has received each word and bottled up each tear.  What a faithful Saviour!  How rich to find Jesus there whether I am in deep despair or in rejoicing!  He receives it all from me and comforts me with His love.  He has promised to never leave me, betray me or reject me.  I can't even fathom His grace in constantly loving and affirming me when I am angry, hurt, unforgiving and plain worn out!

As one of the tools in the debriefing process, there was a chart/illustration of the dynamics and timeline of transitions.  Dealing with the grief has stages but they cycle around and don't happen in a straight line or particular order.  I found myself identifying with the middle of the timeline.  And it was a mess.  It was made up of pain, but I was beginning to accept the changes and new things.  It was also unraveling the losses and recognizing the gains.  It was a time of grief and crying and expressing emotion.  But the upswing was headed towards acceptance and hope.  

Even in identifying and naming what I was feeling helped me move towards hope.  I was feeling stuck in the losses and unable to embrace fully the new chapter of our ministry and our life.  I knew I couldn't go back to the way things were yet I was reluctant to look forward to our new focus.  I felt inadequate and unsure.  I felt off-kilter, wondering if God had yet more changes ahead for me!  

Ultimately, I knew I had to trust God.  I had obeyed Him in accepting my new roles in NCEM and releasing my previous roles in HHM.  I had obeyed outwardly but the inward trust was still a work in progress.  I am so grateful for God's grace in preparing me and transforming me in this season of transition.

The debriefer pointed out to me that in all this change and transition, I am struggling with the issue of "who am I?"  And that makes sense to me.  I once identified myself as part of Healing Hearts Ministry, being one of the founding members and pastor's wife.  Not only have we changed organizations and shifted our roles, but now I am learning new things with new expectations.  I am now the wife of NCEM's General Director and also involved as Personnel Coordinator.  Those are very different roles with precedents set for me, for us.  With HHM, we were forging new horizons and developing as we went.  With NCEM, there is history and clear roles and tasks.  New organizational culture to adopt and add our own flavour to!

All this to say:  I am still processing the "Debrief" sessions.  Changes are still ongoing in our circumstances and I see God in it.  That's enough for me to know.  I can trust Him to carry me through.