To be honest, I am having a tough day.
The emotional ride these past weeks, and especially the last 3 or 4 days, has caught up with me! I am tired, drained and distracted. I was asked to help lead worship, to sing and play guitar and although I normally am excited to do that, I had a hard time engaging and focusing on worship. The service went well and we had some special elements to celebrate Mothers' Day, but as Caylea stayed home and Daniel offered to stay with her, it wasn't quite the same for me.
We ladies are treated to a BBQ put on by the men, and today we were just going to grab some burgers and bring them home to share with the family. People understood. So I felt a bit torn to skip out on a church event; and yet knew I wouldn't feel all that connected and would want to be at home anyways!
What is the word I am feeling? Ambivalent. That's when you feel conflicting emotions at the same time.
I have so much to be thankful for and so I want to be grateful to God for the successful surgery and Caylea's recovery so far. The waiting for news is an emotionally difficult challenge. And yet I have such a wonderful family that I should be enjoying as they honour me today! It was great to receive a big, comfy camping chair from Costco from the kids. And to hear Mark & Amy's voices by phone this afternoon. And to receive another lawn chair from Walter (that one has a side table and will go out to the cabin!). I am blessed beyond my wildest dreams as a woman, as a mother.
I know many of the Psalms express ambivalence. David often complained to the Lord. He cried out! He would be angry at his enemies. He would be broken and despairing. And yet by the end of the psalm, David would be praising, giving thanks, declaring victories!
That's where I am today.
I am so glad that the Lord empathizes with His children. He understands our weaknesses, He knows by personal experience the temptations and trials we face. He knows the feelings of pain, shame, doubt and fear, yet He overcame them and promises us that same overcoming power.
I am so glad that my emotions do not run my life nor do they interfere with my faith in Jesus. My righteousness is from Him and I cannot lose His love. I am secure in Him.
For all of you out there who are having ambivalent emotions on this occasion, may it comfort you to know you are not alone and that you are loved by the Father.
Have a good day.
~ The Fence ~
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