Sometimes I get frustrated and impatient with myself.
Why do I return to old habits, especially when my life has challenges and I am personally under a bit of stress?  Why can't I learn a new way of coping and just continue with it ever after?
One of my core struggle is worry.
I can make sense of how worry became part of my coping strategies for life.  My childhood had some uncertainty and instability.  I moved a lot.  My living arrangements changed frequently.  My family changed often.  So I began a pattern of anxiousness and learning ways to control my world, to order my life where I had the power to do so.
I was introduced to Jesus, to church and to the Bible in my grade 9 year.  Being invited to a small town youth group, I soon learned that my life and experience, and especially my beliefs were contrary to what I was observing in this church culture.  I had a longing in my heart to know about God and to be close to Him.  The concept of the "family of God", having a Father and family that would be the same and not change constantly, that had a huge appeal to my need for security and belonging.
When I chose to believe what the Bible told me about faith and becoming part of God's family, I accepted it to be true.  My decision was largely a mental thing, but receiving Jesus as my Saviour was also going to change my life in ALL areas.  I just didn't know how much my heart and emotions would need healing.
Now, I worried a lot.  About the future.  About being accepted by others.  About doing the right thing.  About my family.  About making good decisions education, career and marriage.  I worried about travel and food and my hair...you get the picture!
Proverbs 3:5 & 6 was a passage I read on many grade 12 graduation cards I received back in 1984.  I thought of it only in relation to my future and the big life decisions I was expected to make.
Now, as an adult with three grown children and much more life experience,  this verse is much richer.
As our son and daughter in law go through this time of grief at the loss of Amy's younger brother, Matthew, I feel levels of worry for them.
As our son Daniel heads to Saskatoon on the weekend to take his 2nd year of sheet metal apprenticeship, I feel some anxiousness over his finding a church, some good friends and making good choices away from home.
As our daughter is in southern Ontario with the drama tour team, I see the winter storm activity there and feel concern for their travels and schedule.
I continue to worry about health issues and about ministry challenges.
But these verses now come to me with both a comfort and a conviction by the Holy Spirit.
"Lean on, trust in , and be confident in the Lord with all your heart and mind and do not rely on your own insight or understanding."(verse 5 in the Amplified Version)
If I apply these instructions with my children, our health and out ministry, I should be worry-free!  The Lord is able to take care of all these things.  My ideas or solutions are not very practical or even possible - such as to keep our children under our roof with cases of vitamins and surgical masks and no drivers' licenses!  But God's way requires us to release our children, to teach and equip them for life and then let God lead them.  God's way requires I believe He will protect them or see them through the struggles of life.
And prayer.  That is where verse 6 can come in to play.  "In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight."
Pray!  PRAY! PRAY!  Acknowledge the Lord as in control.  Lay my plans before Him and invite His guidance in all things.  Ask for wisdom to work through issues.  And trust the Lord to do what is best, what is good, what is wise, what is safe according to His will.
That's where I am at today.
He will not let me down.